My apologies to my kids..........

I would like to apologze to my three kids and their close friends. When I first started to blog I was using it to vent while our family was in transition, going through some tough times. I did not use it regularly therefore I rarely even thought about it existing. It never occurred to me that someone would actually be looking at it. Apparently, my blog has been brought to my daughter's attention by a few fellow classmates. (I purposefully am using the word "classmates" in lieu of "friends" because they were not being a friend to Taylor.) Upon doing so, it was apparent that my daughter's classmates were trying to make her feel bad for some of my comments that made reference to her. No comments were meant to be about anybody. They were just comments about my thoughts. My kids all have some wonderful and mature friends, and I am thankful for them as they way out number the classmates that play off of negative energy.

Life is so fragile

It has been a hard long fall/winter. Yet at the same time, life is good. It is still full of hope and dreams. Lucas transitioned to college, it was harder on him than he could have envisioned. He did well with his grades and classes. Of course there were some dissappointments, but I am proud of him. He does better with lifes challenges than I ever could do. He is a badger. He is in his sports haven. Armed with his badger football and basketball tickets, he is "set". He has a close circle of friends from his dorm. Matt, Shannon, Patrick, Sarah, Jaimie, Jenna to name a few. Next year he is renting a flat, second story of a house on Johnson St. He will be rooming with Matt, Patrick and Shannon. He is excited about that.
Benjamin is in a verynice apartment complext compelte with anything one could imagine. He too is taking a fulll rigourous load of classes. He is under a great deal of stress to succeed. Yet, Benjamin always find time to have fun. He is the goal keeper on the soccer team, he is on the UMN's handball team..traveling to the National tournament next week at the University of Arizona, plays intramural basketball, and takes Judo for a class. He is always active in one way or another.
Taylor is soo sooooo busy! She just made all-state honors for individuals at her State Dance competition. Her Aquinas School Pom Team got second place at state. woo hoo! She never ever seizes to amaze me. She is really something. She is taking two foreign languages and is hoping to do an exchange with France in summer 2011.
So you see, lots is happening, lots of excitement, but there is still lots of worry and stress as everyone has to endure. Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of the death of our friend Luke Petersen. His death has had more impact on my family than words can even say. Luke was an amazing Kid and his loss is so huge that so many people/kids do not know how to deal with the loss of him. Valentine's Day will always remind of us of Luke. However, Luke is thought of every single day. Lukes Mom, Dad and brother are thought of every single day. Luke lost his battle with depression and took his life. This was just 6 months after my brother in law (my husband's brother) took his own life too. He happened to do it in our family home. Our family never really healed from the loss of Greg, nor the loss of Luke. Somehow, I pray that all of my kids realize that their life is their own and that they all have their own destiny. They all have so much going for them, it is unbelievable. They are all so wonderful. Their achilles heel, like their mothers is they have too big of a sensitive heart. Feeling so much pain can be incapacitating at times. I send all of my strength to my kids ......sending them all the good "Ju Ju" I have <3

Just....tears

Tonight we are packing...packing things for Lucas so he can leave tomorrow night for Madison. He moves into his dorm "Bradley Hall" the next morning. There is some excitement in the air with his new adventure. He is happy and ready to head into the next phase of his life. I am happy for him, I truly am. He is everything I hoped for and more. He is everything I could never have been. He is amazing, he is kind, he is just a good kid. He is a kid who is wanting to go and try out the real world. Who can fault him for this? My brain knows this is totally normal and it shouldn't be any other way. Oh but how my heart aches! Oh my gosh. I love being a Mom, it is the best thing I have ever done with my life. But being a Mom is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. I can't deny that it is also the most rewarding thing EVER!!! But, as I lay on my bed last night, enjoying that fact that my sons were home from Alaska, I started to cry. I cry because I love them so much. I cry because they are leaving again. I love summer. I love it when our whole family is together again. As happy as I truly am, my tears really aren't "tears of joy". They are tears of sadness. I don't like it that I am sad, I actually hate it that I am sad. I wish I could be stronger and less emotional. I feel every fricking thing including every ounce of pain that my heart could possibly endure.
So, tonight as I help my son pack, as he naps because he is sick, I hold back my tears. Sometimes I cry, but quickly wipe them away. I know that when I go to bed tonight, I will cry, not tears of joy...but real tears of sadness, as I already miss my boys and my Lucas is now leaving home for the first time. I love you Benjamin and Lucas with all of my heart and soul forever and ever <3

"Safe" is relative......

My two sons are returning tonight on a red eye flight back from an adventure trip from Alaska. Normally I would have worried about their flight, I am always anxious while flying. I would have worried about them finding their way all alone and by themselves. I would have worried about them kayaking in 32 degree ocean water.......the what ifs! What if they fell in; what if they got wet and froze; what if the whales tipped them over; what if what if what if. They hiked and camped in the wilderness amongst the bears. I would have worried for them. What if they got attacked. What if they happened to amongst bears and didn't know it. They climbed up vertical walls of ice and they were lowered down into deep deep crevasses and had to climb up and out. All of this would have worried me to death. Because I know that my sons are daredevils and they will do anything and take on any challenge. They are risk takers. If they are to climb 50 feet, they will stretch it and go beyond..just to do it.
But, I felt content with them in Alaska. I knew they were happy and I knew they were safe. They were safe from all of the peer pressures that I cannot protect them from....try as I may.
They will be coming back tomorrow. Lucas will be going to college in 2 or 3 days. He is leaving for U.W. Madison..a Big 10 school, known for it's partying. Lucas did his fair share of indulging this summer with his fellow graduated classmates. Kids his age really don't know how to drink They want to be so grown up but they are really immature when it comes to such things. They do not realize their own mortality and they do not think "things" can happen to them. Benjamin will be heading back to the University of Minnesota in a week and it is the second largest school in the Big 10 behind Ohio State. It is huge. When he first arrived last year I remember him telling me how much the kids drank and how they did it pretty much nightly. Those words are words that make me cringe. Alcohol, cigarettes, pot....other drugs are so available and so socially acceptable...more than I realized. When I was a high school kid, only the "hoods" did the drugs. If someone else did do them, it was kept quiet. Now, all the kids do it. There are no lines to cross. There is no safety when it comes to this behavior. And, I cannot make my kids safe, only their choices can make them safe. Benjamin also has a "crotch rocket" Kawasaki motorcycle. He likes the speed. It is so dangerous. Another thing that I cannot protect him from, only his choices can or can't make him safe.
You see, natures "dangers" seem to natural or normal when I think of all the human inflicted crap that kids have to live through before they make it to adulthood. I am not the most religious person in the world, but I pray. I pray for my kids safety. I am not sure who hears my prayers, but it is something I need to do. Maybe it is more of a stress reliever for me to pray, I am not sure. All I know is that I love my kids, I love kids and I want them to enjoy this time. However, this is the scariest time of all for me as a parent. No one and not one thing could have prepared me for how stressful it is to be a parent of a teenager. I always thought people "just said that" because they thought their kids were naughty or something. The bottom line is that it is a hard cruel world that these teens have to live through. It is hard to stand up when you are standing alone. I taught my kids and they know what is right....however, people don't always do the right things. Therefore, I pray. I love my kids. And tonight, I will pray for their safe flight home and I will wake to their smiling face at the airport.

Its a mixed up muddled up shook up world..........

Hellooooo,
It is Monday night, lets see...um 11 days until my boys leave for Alaska. My daughter leaves for dance team camp tomorrow. She is my angel. Literally, I think God put her here on earth to be so sweet and loving to her brothers, her dad and to me. She is so innocent. Recently her boyfriend broke up with her. She came back from a dance intensive, all excited to see him as he was gone most of the beginning of the summer. He broke up with her that night on the telephone. Her heart was broken for real. First time...and you know, it hurt me to see her hurt. It is something I can't help her with. I'm just here and she knows I am. She has lots of friends. She hopes to truly be able to stay friends with this guy as she says that he was her "best friend" before they started to go out with each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.
My Lucas, he has a concert in Madison on Wednesday. He can't find the tickets that he bought two weeks ago. He is not happy. Somehow it seems that he is angry at me. I miss my son who is happy, talkative, fun loving, interactive and kind. I know he is still here, but just not for me at the moment. My oldest will be leaving for Alaska as well. He is taking a calculus class this summer. It is a kick in the butt for him. I feel for him as it is a requirement within his major. I believe that he is not being true to to class nor to himself. I do know that he is true to his motorcycle and to his friends and to his computer! Conflicts of interest all over the place!! ARGH!!! I wish that my kids all could be at a settled point in their lives. When they aren't settled, I'm not settled. Maybe I am destined to never settle again. Maybe that is why I long for Peace so much. yes I want Peace on a global level, but initially I need it at a personal level. I love my kids with all my heart....more than life itself. Do they know that? Do they realize that? I am beginning to think they can't understand that just yet. I just want them to all be safe so they all can have fun, adventure, challenges and friends forever. I hope that when I look back on my life today in lets say, um....5ish years, that my kids will have a more mature look on life and all of us will be alive and well and have a huge respect for one another! Hang in there kids...go for it, enjoy and be safe. Remember, I love you!

By his side.......

Tonight I sat with Lucas as he wrote the last set of his Graduation present thank you notes. We had a nice assembly line going. He wrote and I would address and stamp the envelope for him. This "huge task" as Lucas might call it was broken down into 3 different sittings. I initially sat with Lucas just because I knew that I could help be a catalyst to get him going with the cards if I were somehow in the process. But, as always, being with my son always has so much gratification, ore than words can really say. When we are sitting in a situation such as the thank you card writing session, Lucas and I get to talk. We don't talk about much, but for that bit of time, both of our worlds slowed down and we sat together, wrote together and talked together. Lucas will never fully understand how much I love him. I'm not sure I would have ever understood how fierce a parents love for their child could be when I was a teen. Writing the thank you notes also has a sad finality within them. Lucas was writing to many many childhood friends, many that he may never see again. Many that he probably does not quite realize right now that he won't ever see again. For me, they are just one step closer to LUcas accomplishing all of his tasks prior to leaving for college. Lucas leaves in just 12 days for Alaska. He is going on a backpacking/kayaking trip with his brother Benjamin. They will be gone for about 10 days. Then when Lucas returns, he has only 2 days at home before he has to move into his college dorm. This whole transition of my kids going to college is the roughest stage for me so far. I still need to really write in detail about all of this, but I just wanted to jot down my thoughts about the thank you notes with Lucas. By the way, as soon as the writing was done, he was literally out the door to go play "Glow in the dark Ultimate Frisbee!" haha I love that boy! :)

It is Saturday night......

Some things, even though I know them, I don't really realize or truly understand them. No one told me that when I had children that they would really go away some day. I am in the middle of that someday and boy am I struggling. A lot of my friends have told me that I will love it when this day comes.....well guess what, I don't. We have done so much together with our kids, as in everything forever since day one, that it feels like they are leaving "cold turkey". Last year when Benjamin left home for his freshman year in college, I cried. I cried many many times in many different places over many different memories. I seriously cried when I saw his favorite ice cream in the grocery store. I still have a huge pain inside of me that just won't go away.
And now, to add insult to injury, my Lucas is leaving home in just a month to go to college. One would think that I would have become de-sensitized to this in one way or another. Wrong! It is not any easier at all. HOnestly, once my sons started looking at colleges their junior year in high school, it became hard to just enjoy them as "kids at home." From that point on, they are looking forward and they really aren't looking back. I know this is healthy and it is what I have wanted my children. BUT, it is not easy. Just know that it isn't just a cliche' that "oh they grow so fast" or "enjoy them, it only seems like yesterday", because it is really really really true. I am processing this huge transition in my life, not without pain and not without joy. I will be writing more on this later. For now, I just needed to get this started as I need to at least let myself know what I am feeling!