Tonight we are packing...packing things for Lucas so he can leave tomorrow night for Madison. He moves into his dorm "Bradley Hall" the next morning. There is some excitement in the air with his new adventure. He is happy and ready to head into the next phase of his life. I am happy for him, I truly am. He is everything I hoped for and more. He is everything I could never have been. He is amazing, he is kind, he is just a good kid. He is a kid who is wanting to go and try out the real world. Who can fault him for this? My brain knows this is totally normal and it shouldn't be any other way. Oh but how my heart aches! Oh my gosh. I love being a Mom, it is the best thing I have ever done with my life. But being a Mom is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. I can't deny that it is also the most rewarding thing EVER!!! But, as I lay on my bed last night, enjoying that fact that my sons were home from Alaska, I started to cry. I cry because I love them so much. I cry because they are leaving again. I love summer. I love it when our whole family is together again. As happy as I truly am, my tears really aren't "tears of joy". They are tears of sadness. I don't like it that I am sad, I actually hate it that I am sad. I wish I could be stronger and less emotional. I feel every fricking thing including every ounce of pain that my heart could possibly endure.
So, tonight as I help my son pack, as he naps because he is sick, I hold back my tears. Sometimes I cry, but quickly wipe them away. I know that when I go to bed tonight, I will cry, not tears of joy...but real tears of sadness, as I already miss my boys and my Lucas is now leaving home for the first time. I love you Benjamin and Lucas with all of my heart and soul forever and ever <3
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